Episode 161 – Rachel – surrogate

Welcome to Surrogacy Australia’s podcast series. I’m your host Anna McKie and my aim is to raise the level of awareness of surrogacy through these conversations. This podcast is a recording from a webinar that I host and you can find more details about those and upcoming dates on our website at surrogacyaustralia.org. The webinars are free, go for an hour and we’ll take you through how surrogacy works in Australia. You can ask questions, typing them in anonymously if you prefer.
00:41
and you hear from a co-host who has navigated surrogacy in Australia,  either a surrogate,  a gay dad or a straight mum.  This episode featuring surrogate Rachel is one from the archives and was recorded in March 2023.  Rachel birthed a little girl Daisy as a surrogate in Adelaide in May 2022 for Kelly and Ben.  Rachel and Ben had known each other since childhood, but it was actually Kelly’s introduction post in the South Australian Surrogacy Facebook group.

01:11
in late 2020 that sparked Rachel’s attention when she was looking to be a surrogate. Kelly has MRKH, meaning she was born without a uterus, which is the same condition that Rachel’s sister has, so she felt an extra connection due to that. Some of the topics we covered in this episode were planning a home birth as a team and in an Airbnb, planting their placenta, how her intended mum Kelly induced lactation, how Rachel expressed milk for 12 weeks,

01:40
What an ongoing catch up post-birth looks like and the frequency. Surrogate’s having some alone time with Surrobub post-birth. What type of physical supports her IPs helped with during pregnancy. Covering lost wages for the surrogate and how to cover her costs during pregnancy. As I mentioned, Kelly induced lactation and I’ve done a podcast episode with three mothers through Australian surrogacy who also induced lactation.

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and were able to directly breastfeed their babies, of which one of the guests is Kelly. So if you’d like to hear her story, head to episode 50, five zero, that’s pretty easy to remember, and hear her story there. I hope you enjoyed this episode.

02:18
So we’ve got Rachel here with us tonight and she shared some photos with us for social media and here on our webinar tonight. So tell me, Rachel, who’s in this photo, this first one, and what was happening in this photo? So that’s me in the middle, obviously. That’s my intended mother, Kelly, who’s now the mum. I call her my baby mama  and baby daddy, Ben.  We were coming out of Reframed. I believe it was  one of the pre-pregnancy appointments.

02:45
where we all had to go and you know it was a whole thing. Yeah I can’t remember exactly what happened in this one but yeah we were definitely coming out of Red from Red because I remember that street like the back of my hand now. Yes and so Red from Red is our main clinic  in Adelaide and yes I remember trying to get parking  in all of those days  it can be a challenge can’t it? So  lots of appointments together. Surrogacy is like that isn’t it? A hundred steps it feels like to get through it all. Yeah yeah and Ben and Kelly always made the effort to drive me down there and

03:14
We’d always have a good chat. Sometimes we’d get lunch or breakfast or whatever we were doing. And they would both try to come to every appointment. Now. think that’s really powerful.  Just that little snippet that you’re saying there for people listening tonight, that it’s something you do as a team because it’s this pregnancy is going to be their pregnancies as well as in yours. And so you want them to experience the whole journey. So is that something as a team you had sort of.

03:36
committed to in the planning that they would try and come to as much as possible? Yeah, yeah, they had quite flexible work options working for themselves. So it was always  one or the other or both. Like they always made that effort. If one couldn’t come, it was a really good reason. But yeah, they both always made the effort to try and be there to experience it and immerse themselves in what needed to happen and  what I was going through and to support. was a few instances where like Ben took my five

04:06
year old because he was not at school at that time and he would just take him for the morning while I went with Kelly to an appointment and stuff like that.  And again getting to that point of you know being comfortable and trusting other people with your kids and your kids feeling comfortable with them that takes time to develop the trust in that relationship doesn’t it? Yeah definitely you know even just putting your child in a car with somebody else is a bit daunting sometimes but yeah we were definitely there quite early on which was nice. Wonderful. oh

04:32
great example of a good team here.  clearly, know, lots is happening as a team in the Surry dating to get to the point of being pregnant here and having a team photo. Was this a bit of a maternity team photo shoot?  Yeah. Yeah. Kelly and I had our cute little matching dresses on there. I they were matching.  Yes.  Yep. Yep. Which we also wore to the baby shower. Yeah. We really wanted to record this milestone and I know that Kelly was very excited to get some photos with the belly and yeah, it was really nice to just have those moments captured.

05:02
with all of us  and you know at the time I did not enjoy myself I was hot and bothered and all of that but I look back at this and it just makes me smile makes them my heart is very full. Beautiful makes you glad you did it even though pregnancy can be hot and uncomfortable as you said.

05:16
Definitely. And so we’ve got, you know, your husband partner  there in these photos and your boys and  Ben’s son too. Yep.  And so your kids, I’m trying to read the expressions on their faces in this one, did they get on board with the pregnancy and what mum was doing for their friends?  So my seven year old who’s on my husband’s shoulder there, he  could not care less. He was not worried. He was not overly interested.

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whereas my five year old who’s on my hip there, was  there, you know, every night he would say good night to Daisy in my belly. Every night when we were at the  birthing house, he was making sure that she was okay. Anytime she cried, he would go check on her. And even now he’s still very involved, wants to see photos and wants to see her at any opportunity that he can.  But he knows that she lives there and it’s a little bit tricky now to see her.

06:10
facilitate that relationship as much as possible. Tricky in terms of just everybody’s busy with different lives and schedules. Is that what you mean? Yep. Yeah. He’s at school now as well. So yeah, school and work and you know, we all want to see everybody  at the catch-ups, which doesn’t always work. Sometimes it’s just Kelly and Daisy and I, sometimes it’s all of us, but yeah, we just try to try to slot it in as much as possible. Yeah. And that’s, yeah, another great reminder that surrogacy is about the family involved. So it would be, you know, really hard if the contact just stopped post-birth.

06:39
wouldn’t it? So speaking of birth hey, beautiful photo here and I think I’ll get you to talk us through it because you said the birthing house and I think this is um so it’s a home birth I know a couple of us in Adelaide had some but it wasn’t in your home is that right? As a team you made a decision about where that was going to be so talk us through that. We live 20 minutes from each other and so geographically that was fine but both of our houses are small they can’t hold two families so Kelly found this beautiful house right near the beach that was five minutes from there.

07:09
house, 15 minutes from our house.  We booked it for a month around the due date.  from 37 to 41 weeks,  because both of my boys came,  one was 37 and four, one was 39 and one.  So we sort of expected earlier.  Uh, so we spent Easter there altogether.  did, you know, the Easter egg hunt and everything.  And we got so many photos and we went down to the beach and walks and there was a really nice scrub lands nearby.  Yeah. It was basically like two houses.

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on top of each other but with one kitchen.  We made the decision to all go there. Kelly found this house, we all went there and spent as much time as possible there. And then we had spent the weekend there  and Sunday night was when we went back.

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because we had gone down to the beach, Ben went for a surf with one of his friends  and then we all went home and yeah, Sunday night we called him back up and said get back to the house, we’re ready to go. Wow and so yeah, so when you look at this photo, what emotions do you feel looking back on this? Oh just  joy and relief  and you know,  just… Pride? was yeah, definitely pride.

08:19
definitely bouncing off of Kelly’s emotions as well. She was just a blubbering mess, just completely melting into love with this little baby.  You made her a mum. Yeah, yeah. And she’s, she’s doing very damn good at it too. Wonderful. Yes. We’ve had her on as a, in a trio webinar where she induced lactation. So she was able to bring milk into her body, even though her body had not been pregnant in birth. That could be a good opportunity there to mention milk. What did you do with your own breast milk? So because Kelly was very much had a full supply by

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the time Daisy was born because she induced it 28 weeks.

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So she had a lot of buildup time and really committed to doing that. I started pumping probably the next morning. think it was.  was born at 10.30 at night. So we didn’t get to bed until about 1.30. Yeah,  I started pumping and uh Kelly and Ben took that first week milk home, the really nice golden dark yellow stuff. And then I kept pumping. I donated to another surrogacy team who had a baby not long after.  I just kept donating milk. I pumped for 12 weeks.

09:23
after Daisy was born  and yeah donated absolutely everything I made breast milk soap  and that was a really nice way for me to honor that journey and to get something back from that  like we’re still using it now she’s almost

09:36
she’s 10 months old now so  yeah it’s really nice to have that reminder and  it’s been very  humbling to get to do that as well like to have the opportunity and the means and the time yeah yeah time i think i’m just imagining people who are new to surrogacy hearing this story you say you’re humbled

09:55
But like  that’s a massive effort to go through because somebody pumped for nine weeks. know you have to do it regularly around the clock and fit that in with drop-offs for kids and pickups and cooking dinner and breakfast and sterilizing equipment and things. So well done to you. That’s a mammoth effort.  It’s clearly something that else you wanted to do to help your body in recovery and to continue to contribute. Well done. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I took my pump everywhere. We went camping  and I would take it with me there and

10:22
And know, we’d go home with a fridge full of milk in the car, which was very funny. Brad really supported me in that as well, even though he couldn’t fit ice cream in the freezer.  This is so much with ice breast milk.  Yep. Amazing. And so,  partners are often the unsung heroes in this year. And so we’ve got two photos here now,  some of catch ups, but I know what’s happening in this photo, but other people may not. Looks like some gardening going on here, but what’s actually happening? Because we had a home birth and everything,  we got to keep everything that came out.

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This was us planting the placenta. I’ve got my five year old, my seven year old, Brad is holding Daisy, my husband. And then Kelly and I  are putting some soil in. We planted the placenta and then we popped some Daisy flowers over the top as well. So, and they’re still  sitting on their back deck. yeah, their house or your house? At their house. Yep. Cool.  And again, I love seeing  Brad in the background there. He’s holding surrogate bub. You know, this is just a sign of this modern family that’s been created here. Yeah. Yeah. Beautiful.

11:21
one of our last photos here is around Christmas time is it? Yeah first Christmas we went to the last Christmas with them as well and the no we didn’t see them before that.

11:31
So yeah, last year’s Christmas was Daisy’s first and we got invited to the previous Christmas as well when we were pregnant, which was really nice. Yeah, all the family was there. Kelly’s family usually do like a set day. So we get invited to that and it’s really nice to see,  you know, everyone getting to spoil her  and the grandparents and aunties and uncles and cousins and everybody who are just completely, you know, in love with this tiny little thing.  And  it was just really, really nice to sit in the corner and watch everybody getting

12:01
excited and giving out all these beautiful gifts  and  um  yeah yeah and they spoiled my voice too like we we always felt like we were welcome and a part of the family.  I think this is a great example of of what surrogacy can look like here in Australia. This it’s not just the the team that you do it’s the extended families as you’re saying and the catch-ups continue. What  was the time frame roughly from when you know because in theory they were sort of strangers but they weren’t you ended up already knowing them

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before, but you clearly went out of your way to go, yeah, I want to be a surrogate. So I’m going to start looking into this from when you made that first connection to birth.  You know, do you remember how long that timeframe was?  So Daisy was born in May, 2022.  And I first, I found Kelly on the surrogacy in South Australia Facebook page in, I believe it was October of 2020. And then I went into, uh, they have two surf shops and I went into one of them and Ben was working and I said, hello.

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uh and  yeah, just sort of, he gave me his phone number  because he’s not on social media. So, and then I said, oh, can I message Kelly? Is that okay? And So you went home that night to your husband and said, I’ve got a man’s phone number today. Yes,  yes. And then I said, oh, this person, Ben  and  myself and my husband all went to the same school.  So we all already knew each other anyway. Yeah, just pick it up again.

13:23
Yeah, very nice having that base foundation of knowing somebody’s family and all that as well.  Like a background check in some ways, a bit of a credibility check already having knowing where they come from, so to speak. Yeah, yeah, like I remember uh when Ben’s son Rylan was baby and I would hold him. So  yeah, it was  very big throwback. But yeah, I think Kelly’s story really resonated with me because my sister has MRKH as well.  When I was,  I think I was eight or nine and we found

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that she had this diagnosis. We all said to her, oh we’ll have a baby for you if you ever need it that’s fine we’ll do it but she’s very happy dog mum she’s got two step kids  and she’s I don’t think got a baby on the cards anytime soon so I thought I’ll put my feelers out I’m ready to do it and yeah Kelly’s  literally a month younger than I am  and  yeah yeah if I was 27 and being told that I couldn’t have a baby when I really wanted to I would do everything in my power to make it happen so.  Definitely and so

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that don’t know, mrkh means they were born without a uterus. So it means that they they often still have ovaries that work and can create eggs  but nowhere to grow it. Just how bodies work sometimes isn’t it? Crazy stuff. Yeah. So that was about a year and half journey for you guys so I’d say that was fairly quick or just…

14:39
you know, at the lower end of the range. So you clearly worked first embryo transfer then? Yep, yeah, yes. I’m very fertile.  Yes, your body’s like, yep, I know what I’m doing, let’s go again.  Yeah. And then we were talking before about what catch-ups look like post-birth and you mentioned that you’d had one recently. because another classic thing is does the surrogate ever see Surrogate on their own? And how to, you know, even though you grew baby on their own.

15:02
I know for certain teams that has, it doesn’t necessarily happen. And obviously it might be something you chat about as a team. So was that something you discussed and then you had a catch up recently where you had Daisy on her own?  After Daisy was born, there was, you know, very excited family members that all wanted to jump in. didn’t express that I wanted to babysit. I just kind of assumed, which was a bit silly because, you know, assuming is not a good thing. I found out that Daisy had been babysat by a family member, which I sort of let go because it was a rite of passage for that person to get to do that first. And I said, Hey, can

15:32
please be the next one otherwise I’ll be a bit sad about it. If you say no it’s fine. We got to Christmas last year  and they had their work Christmas party and they said hey we need someone to take care of her this is where we’re going blah blah blah this is the time so we actually got her for the evening which was very cool um and it was really nice for my five-year-old to get to sit with her and sing her songs and all that and then she went to bed in her cot at our house and they picked her up about midnight.  Party animals! uh

16:02
Yeah, and then  a couple weekends ago, they wanted to go see the new Avatar movie with their  now 12 year old son. And they asked us if we could babysit her. And of course we said, yes, we’re happy to do that. Yeah. And then they brought her around. She had a nap here. And once again, she was very happy.  you know, was  yelling at the dog and  eating everything. And then other catch-ups that we’ve had have also been,  we go camping quite frequently together. That’s just the kind of people we are.  Yeah. So we’ll get a full weekend.

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of hanging out and all of that.  yeah. There’s some great stories to share to people to go, wow, this is what it could look like. And that might not be what it is for every team, but it’s great to hear some different examples and particularly going away together to spending those extended periods of time.  I suppose that’s what it really is about, isn’t it? You should be friends. And that even if there hadn’t been a baby,  these are people that you enjoy their company and enjoy hanging out with, assume.  Yeah, yeah. We’ve all got a lot of very similar interests apart from the surfing thing.  and I can’t really surf,  but

17:02
Kelly has told us they will teach us when we’re ready. My seven year old’s really run with that as well. He wants to learn,  but yeah, we’re all very outdoorsy kind of people.  We’ve got very similar hobbies. We actually, when we were doing the blood tests pre-pregnancy to track ovulation,  we went to a four wheel drive park and I had to get a blood test on the way up because that’s just the day that they told me. So we planned this trip and yeah, it was good fun though. And that’s it fitting so seriously into the rest of your life and the adventures that you go on together. So it sounds like,  you guys are

17:32
great team with the similarities there. So good work team, well done.

17:36
during your journey, there’s always some ups and downs for each team. Is there anything that you found a bit of a challenge that could be worth mentioning to pass on to others listening?  At the beginning of our journey, before we did much counselling or anything like that, we obviously read all the material that we could online. We went into it with a four trimesters plan. So one night, the first trimester, second, third, and then fourth after birth. We had a list of things that we would do  and things that Ben and Kelly could help.

18:06
with one thing that we found though was a lot of it either wasn’t needed  or  just sort of fell to the wayside. But I tried really hard to remember what I needed and I would pitch to them,  like, you know, we need some more meals in the freezer because I’m having trouble standing and cooking. It’s getting a bit tricky. And Kelly would rock up with a big cooler bag full of all sorts of  yummy treats. Um, she’d gotten a thermomix from her mother, which was very handy. There was a few instances where I just said, Oh, can you go pick up my son from school?

18:36
I feel like I’m going to vomit and so they would go do that and  Yeah, it’s I think the response was great. Anytime I asked for anything nothing was too hard they would always either do it within the next hour or two or You know, Kelly would say I’ll drop past, you know in two days time with meals or stuff like that. Yeah

18:56
Yeah, well done team and I guess some advantages there living locally to each other would be much harder if it was a long distance or interstate team. Yeah, definitely. And I think you have to have that foresight as well of, you know, pregnancy does take a toll on everything. It can make it hard to walk. It can make it hard to clean, cook, even working. I had to stop working. There was no option for  light duties. So it does. And you’re always older each time you’re pregnant. So it’s always harder on your body each time, isn’t it there? Yeah. And so although you said that, you know, everything was forthcoming,

19:26
as a fellow surrogate, it’s still sometimes really hard to ask for help, isn’t it? Because you’re conscious of, you know, this on your friends in terms of their time and their money too. And you know, we’re independent women who can run our own household,  it can still be really hard sometimes to ask for help. Did you find that? Yeah, definitely.  think once I sort of knew that a lot of it wouldn’t be met with backlash or, well not even backlash,  more or less attitude.  Sometimes people respond with like,  oh okay then. The chore. Yeah.

19:56
Once I knew that wasn’t going to be the case, I was bit more forthcoming with what I needed and Brad was always there. My husband would always back me up or just subtly mention something. Ben and Kelly always picked that up if they could.

20:10
and yeah, there were very willing participants, which was great. It sounds like you guys, yeah, had a lot to, you did well in the lead up in the talking and having a bit of a plan and  maybe not all the plan got action, but at least you had the plan. Yeah, yeah, that was it. It was good to know that those things were already in their heads  of what I may or may not need. Ben had seen his previous partner go through a pregnancy and birth and everything. So yeah, it was good to have that baseline. And then we sort of went up or down from there.  Yeah, good stuff.

20:40
Any particular support that you found was helpful? guess what I’m thinking of is we’ve met through the South Australian Facebook group and then there’s a surrogate only group. Was it helpful knowing some of the journeys of other surrogates  or was it some of a hindrance in hearing some of how other journeys went that could be disasters? One of the main things that I took from the surrogate only page was a lot of people didn’t like to share their successful journeys because it’s sort of, I guess they felt that it kind of rubbed it in the face of people that weren’t doing so well. Once I sort of realized that not

21:10
journey gets shared as well. It was good to see what other surrogates went through, how they dealt with it and to think oh maybe I could do that a bit differently or I would do the exact same thing and then also things like the emotions and stuff like that like it was very different to my own children because you go into it with your spouse having a baby you know you live with them full time you know that you’re going to have this baby after the pregnancy as well so it’s a really good motivating factor for getting through it fine but when you

21:40
oh essentially have this other couple, it  gets a bit muddled and then you know the baby’s still not going to be here later, so it can sometimes build a bit of not really resentment but tricky situations where you just get…

21:52
tired or and then you go, why did I do this? But then you talk to other surrogates and they say, oh, that’s normal. You know, you’ll get past that and then it will be beautiful again. And it always was. Yeah. But there were still hard days. I remember, yeah, my own pregnancy too.  I’m not expanding my own family. What? Like, I know I signed up for this, but I’m having a really hard day. So yeah. Yeah. So yeah, that’s the realities of it. Aren’t there that it’s not all rainbows all of the time. But as you say, now that you’ve sort of, you know, 10 months past it, I suppose those days, you know, balance out, don’t they? With the good days and the

22:22
Oh, definitely. And sometimes I would say to Kelly like, I’m, so tired and I’m just, you know, not feeling great. And then she would just, I dunno, she always had this way of setting me something really beautiful, like uh a picture of a baby clothing item. And I would be like, Oh, that’s why I’m doing it. You know, she bought these tiny little socks and that’s reason that we’re here. Yeah. Yeah. Good team there. We’ve had one question typed in in the chat section. And so the question is, um, how was your experience with reprimand? uh

22:51
My doctor was an obstetrician gynaecologist and I really liked her. was very thorough.  Hillary?  No. Oh no, you had another one. Yep.  I had Dr. Bradbury. Cool. Oh, yep. Yeah. She also practices out of Burnside, I believe. She was great, very thorough,  very to the point. Like she didn’t mess around.  Any tests or anything that I needed were usually done in quite a timely fashion.  Communication within reprimand itself was not fantastic.  Occasionally things would get missed or I know that some paperwork that was very

23:21
important. I think it was Ben and Kelly had to sign it. They had to go in when we were meant to be doing our first transfer that month. So they had to go in and finalize all this extra paperwork that we didn’t even know about so that we could get that going. Yeah, I think just the general, you know, we would call and then we would get a call back and then we would call and get a call back and nobody was really giving each other the right information.  think there’s a bit lacking there. And I’m hoping that now that there’s another clinic that does surrogacy in South Australia, that they might be a bit more competitive. um

23:51
lift their game a little. And I think from what I’ve heard, there are similarities like that across Australia. It’s often the admin, the doctors themselves might be great and the nurses, but it’s all that follow-up. You often have to be on their case and the project managers or the IPs do. CS, I think that can be a common challenge. So I’m glad to hear the doctor was good. That’s good feedback. Yeah. I’ve had somebody type in a question here anonymous that says, why is the partner of the surrogate required to be named on the birth certificate when there’s no engagement with the process of conception? In South Australia, you don’t actually have

24:21
put the partner on the birth certificate but we did have to put in the  birth certificate application that the baby was donor conceived and Ben was the donor even though Kelly was also the donor, it was completely their embryo.  It  really messes with the parentage order I’m pretty sure.  So if you put on the birth certificate like the surrogate’s name and then the intended father’s name then that baby is already the intended father’s baby. So getting the parentage order pushed through the court they’ll go

24:51
oh oh this baby’s already yours, why does it need to be this person’s as well? And then that will really just put a big halt on all your stuff with your lawyers and everything. Yes, so it’s totally normal that people are nervous about this bit at the beginning because I think every teen…

25:05
questions it, but your lawyers and counselors will explain that all to you as a team that,  yeah, the partner and well in most states goes on in the first one. And so the reason for that is to transfer it from the surrogate to the intended parents. It’s just part of the process that we have here in Australia and that’s how it is. And it’s probably going to stay at least in that some version of that. So it’s okay to be worried about that anonymous at the beginning. I hope that’s helped to answer the question there. Rachel sort of coming to an end here, just maybe last couple of ones. So if we had some surrogates with us tonight, they’re pretty much brand new. uh

25:35
advice would you give them?

25:36
Don’t dive in head first into a relationship with our piece.  is a okay to just casually chat with people.  can talk to parents without having any intention of being their surrogate. Talk to other surrogates and learn from their experiences. I learned a heck of a lot from other surrogates in terms of the do’s and don’ts. also my biggest one would also be take care of your mental health and yourself first. That is, you know, if you’re on the fence about it because you’re not feeling mentally all there, then do that

26:06
First, get yourself to a point where you’re emotionally healthy  and you’re feeling secure and stable in yourself and then pursue this because it can do a number on you and you don’t want to already be fragile before you even go in. Great advice there. Yeah, thank you. That’s good. Another anonymous question has typed in, while you were not working, did the IPs cover your lost income or just the expenses you were incurring? So I stopped working at about 30 weeks and then I was, I had done the application to get the paid parental leave from

26:36
During the time  between me finishing work and me having birth, giving birth,  having the baby. That’s what I meant to say. My IPs covered my average wage for that time. I don’t think we included super, but I wasn’t earning very much anyway. I was only working casual hours and, but they were set hours. So we just sort of worked out the average  and they  paid that into my account  using the description  of like wages. And then obviously everything went.

27:06
into court for the parentage order anyway. So if there was any red flags, they would have picked that up and yeah. Yes. And so that’s a really good point. Surrogates can’t be out of pocket. And so you need to talk as a team about how that’s going to happen. You wouldn’t be in that situation if it wasn’t for that pregnancy. It’s not for expanding your own family. So it wasn’t a cost that you guys have to cover. And so it needs to be done as a team and talking money can be awkward, but it sounds like you guys had a plan there of how it was going to be done.  because that’s the transactional part of it sometimes too, and that feels a bit yucky. So yeah.

27:36
Yeah, yeah, it always felt a little bit dirty. But  when I offered to Ben and Kelly as well, we,  we offered to them and then we decided to go out for dinner because our kids weren’t there. And on the way to the dinner, Kelly had set up an extra bank card that she had for me and she gave it to me that night and said, he go, it’s ready to go. It’s got money on it. It’s already free to go. And that was the best thing was having my own bank card. You know, I would buy weird medicated creams that I would need and stuff like that. And I didn’t have to say, Hey, I need, you

28:05
$20 for stretch mark cream or something like that. It wasn’t weird, it wasn’t awkward. I kept all the receipt. Yeah, she just made sure that that money was available to me so I could do and buy anything that I needed to do. Yeah, there’s a lot of trust there as a team because they’re trusting you to grow their baby. They’re going to trust that you’re not going to put a tap a holiday to Hawaii on that card.  Yeah. Because  they’re your friends and you know how much it’s cost them. You don’t want it to cost them anymore. But at the same time, not having to ask for that money and then think about, should I just carry that

28:35
cost myself. Yep, that was what our team had to a separate card. You can just tap for the maternity clothes or the food or the creams that you need. Sounds like that was a good way to go. Yeah. Yeah. And any big ticket items that I needed, like when Kelly started producing milk, was taking breastfeeding vitamins and I said, Oh, hey, buy me some too, like pregnancy vitamins and all that. Any  massages or anything like that, that I felt like I needed.  I could just go and do that without feeling like a watched child. Yes. It’s like asking for pocket money from mum and dad, isn’t it?

29:05
Yeah, yeah. Well, dad and dad, depending who you’re caring for.  Yeah, it’s a funny feeling.  cool. Yeah, that’s some good advice there. Any last bit of wisdom from your own team or something you’d like to add? One of the biggest things is obviously the unsung heroes being the family of the surrogate.  You know, my boys put up with my wailing on the couch and being tired and not being able to do.  We’re quite an active family, so I wasn’t able to do a lot of things with them, which was great because Ben and Kelly picked up a lot of the slack in that department, which was comforting.  Talking community.

29:35
Communication is one of the biggest things even if you feel a bit weird or it’s a bit personal Usually your intended parents are trying to do the best thing by you as well because you’re trying to do the best thing by them by helping them grow this you know amazing little person That’s probably good advice for most relationships, isn’t it? Keep talking. Yeah, don’t let things simmer for too long. Bring it to the table

29:57
and because it’s sort of four adults often coming together to create this one child, that’s unusual. So there’s four different personalities going on there. And yeah, that can be tricky, but it can be amazing, I think, when you guys get it right. And I reckon you guys did. Thank you. Thank you for having me.  Thank you for sharing your time with me for this episode.  If you’re finding these episodes helpful, please share them with friends.  If you’d like to see the images mentioned, head to our YouTube channel for all of the recordings.

30:23
If you’re looking for more individualised support, consider joining SASS, Surrogacy Australia’s support service,  so you can be connected with a mentor and also with me to help guide you on a journey.  You might think of me as your Siri for surrogacy.  Until next time,  welcome to the village.