Episode 131 – Kelsey – straight mum

Welcome to our podcast series with Surrogacy Australia. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen and in turn for helping us spread awareness and appreciation for surrogacy. I’m your host Anna McKie and these recordings are from a regular webinar series that I run. You can find upcoming dates on our website at surrogacyaustralia.org. During the one hour webinars, I will walk you through the surrogacy process in Australia and you can type in questions for us to answer. My co-hosts have all done surrogacy in Australia

00:44
and they alternate between surrogates, gay dads and straight mums. This episode, recorded in November 2025, features Kelsey. Kelsey and her husband Aaron became parents to their daughter Charlotte in March 2024. Charlotte was carried by their surrogate, whom they had jointly known for 20 years. It worked first embryo transfer after 14 attempts in Kelsey. Charlotte was the first to be born under the Northern Territory Surrogacy Act of 2022.

01:12
Oh, what an episode! This will be so valuable for intended mothers who are going through or have gone through a long IVF journey. Kelsey speaks vulnerably and with courage about her journey as well as the mental health struggles that came with that. There are so many pearls of wisdom in this episode and the key phrases I wrote down while editing were, All my fears went out the window. The lack of control as an intended mother. Don’t put your fears onto your surrogate.

01:41
Choosing a surrogate you can trust will manage their body and pregnancy. Make sure your values align. Don’t agree with someone just to get a surrogate. The more you talk about things, the less taboo they become. And in terms of having a family through surrogacy, it’s just love. I hope you enjoy this episode.

02:00
Kelsey and Aaron, obviously at some point in time you needed a surrogate to have your family, but there was a long journey in the lead up to that. So take me back to the beginning and give us a bit of a snapshot of that journey that you’ve been on to eventually then need a surrogate. Thank you very much for hosting us tonight. So Aaron and I have been together for 21 years now and we first began trying in 2015. So we about, what’s that? 10 and a bit years ago.

02:26
We didn’t know that there were any issues at all and it got until I think early 2017 when we finally started getting medical help early early 2017 and found out that there was issues with Aaron’s sperm. Quite common low mobility and that low count numbers and that sort of thing. So we first started going to one of the free bulk build clinics down south. m

02:50
At the time, I can’t remember what it’s called, but it’s now called Adora and it was down in New South Wales. So we did quite a few transfers through those guys. We would travel down for all of our appointments and do the egg collections and everything down there, which was quite a big journey. But I had my beautiful Nana down there and we would always get to see her. So that was a massive bonus for us. We were lucky enough to get pregnant on our second transfer.

03:19
And that unfortunately ended at, think it was eight or nine weeks pregnant. All of our miscarriages have been missed miscarriages, which unfortunately is quite common in IVF because you’re using so many chemical hormones and stuff, synthetic hormones that your body is so supportive of the pregnancy and doesn’t realise that the embryo unfortunately has not survived. So I guess

03:49
biggest fear for us, have a very big fear of ultrasounds. That was where we found it each of our three pregnancies we ended up having, we found out that the baby had no longer, you know, had a heartbeat. I guess that was the hardest thing for us because you don’t know you’ve miscarried until possibly a week or two weeks later. Your body hasn’t started that process because of the synthetic hormones. And so in that time you’re living with the hope and you’re getting your hope up a little bit but not too much but you’re also starting to think about

04:19
you do date that it could be and and all of those things and I’d imagine then for that journey that you’ve been on each ultrasound and then even eventually into surrogacy when your team got to that point of

04:29
that many weeks in that ultrasound, you had that thought each time of, yeah, but is it really gonna be there or not? So yeah, it’s a lot for women to process. Yeah, and that’s a big part of, why like you said, ongoing counseling is so important, especially for intended parents where there is a woman or somebody with a uterus who has had failed transfers or miscarriages because you carry a lot of grief, a lot of trauma and a lot of PTSD around that. we did the second

04:59
transfer ended in miscarriage. had a DNC, which is a direct and cut cuter each I think it’s called. I of course was in a hurry, let’s get it done so we can get on to the next transfer. Everything was a race. You can’t tell people slow down, but your body needs to try and relax a little bit, which is easier said than done. Yes.

05:20
I think it was the third one, the third transfer took as well. So we were like, yep, this is easy. Everybody miscarries. That’s, know, it’s so common. think it was 20 % chance of miscarry. That’s fine. Unfortunately, that one miscarried again, which again was a major shock again at eight weeks, found out a week later at the ultrasound. Again, we’d never seen a ultrasound with a heartbeat. And then it took again, I think up until the seventh transfer again, they were starting to think what’s going on.

05:50
wasn’t I getting pregnant. The seventh transfer took again. That one I had a fair bit of bleeding going on, had gone to emergency, found out there was a like a subcoricor whatever hematoma really common but what we didn’t realize at that time was that was actually an indication that there’s something going on with my body as well. It wasn’t just Aaron’s sperm.

06:13
So that one, actually saw a heartbeat at six weeks or seven weeks. We thought that’s fantastic. This one’s going to work. And then a few weeks later, we also did lose that one. ah That’s when we started looking further into this. Why are we having recurrent miscarriages? Not going to get into that whole thing because there was a lot of trauma around that, you know, hospital mistakes, you know, assessments and tests on your third miscarriage. We just had to do that miscarriage at home rather than a DNC. uh Lots of trauma there.

06:43
Anyway, we didn’t get any answers. Did our eight final transfer through our bulk build IVF clinic didn’t result in a pregnancy and we were sort of done there with no answers as to what was going on. Why did I keep miscarrying? Is there something wrong with our embryos? We don’t know. The bulk build clinic didn’t do PGS testing, which is pre-implantation genetic testing, which is amazing if you can afford that. It does get rid of a lot of embryos that are not genetically viable.

07:13
but we didn’t have that option available. So we made the decision to change to our local clinic up here in the NT, which unfortunately wasn’t bog-billed, which meant we were gonna start paying. But we did need to have answers by then as to why we kept miscarrying. And I guess in that move to the new clinic, you start to ask lots of questions. the sperm was in…

07:33
was an initial issue, but then you keep getting older each time. So I’m not quite sure how old you were when you were doing egg collection. So I was wondering if egg age was becoming an issue or also your internal, your ability to carry. Was it perhaps a multitude of issues in the end? Did you get answers ever? Yes or no? That was the scariest thing. So we started this, I think I was 29 maybe or 28. can’t, 28 when we started. First egg collection.

07:59
in 2017 was I was 30. So my AMH levels, you know, showing my egg count was still good. So not having those answers, not being able to do PGS testing was the scariest factor. Are we wasting our time doing transfers on embryos that are not genetically viable? They can tell you, yes, your embryo is high quality, grade A or grade AAA down to a grade C, but it doesn’t mean really anything at the end of the day, because there’s uh embryos that have been graded as

08:29
a C, very low grade who have gone on to become beautiful children. That’s, you you say that this is a science IVF, but it’s still very much so much unknown. is. Yes. So we had high quality embryos every time and we always have. So why aren’t they taking? Why are we still miscarrying? Yes. So with this new fertility clinic up close to us, we were able to do further PGS testing and we were also able to do further testing on myself.

08:58
It’s been a long time now. There were a host of issues found with me, things like delayed hormones, high killer cells, high natural killer cells. Yes. And in the end, also after an MRI, I was diagnosed with adenomyosis. Yes. Which is not

09:14
as common as endometriosis, not well known of, I hadn’t heard of it. Instead of your lining growing on the outside of your uterus like endo, some of your lining of your uterus is in your lining. So it explains painful periods and things like that, but it also explains implantation issues. And basically what we think was going on at the end of it was those three pregnancies that were managing to implant in my difficult lining were then possibly unattaching.

09:44
Yeah, we didn’t have the right environment to grow well. even with the support.

09:48
the synthetic hormones, the lining, even though it was thick enough and we had the progesterone and we had all of the injections, there was just something going on with my lining that it was attaching each time in a spot that wasn’t going to succeed. And that may have been that hematoma I had in the third pregnancy may have been an indication that that pregnancy wasn’t going to last because the attachment wasn’t there. So from our ninth to our 14th transfer with this,

10:18
with this fertility clinic, we did get a single pregnancy. And so you were trying different protocols or different tweaks each time round. A couple of questions that spring to mind is how many egg collections did you have to do? therefore how many egg embryos did you have in the freezer? And also I guess looking back, I mean the doctors ultimately at some point in time say it’s not going to happen my dear, but what if you could go back and tell yourself sooner either at that first…

10:44
clinic or would you have drew the line in the sand earlier? yes, how many egg collections and embryos first? Yes, ask me that next question as well. So I think it was six egg collections. Wow. And all up that was 14 transfers. The 15th one was our daughter into our surrogate and we have another seven on ice. Oh, I don’t know how many that is all up. can’t.

11:07
think of the ahead. Six millilitres, wow, that’s a lot to put your body through. Many, many more lost embryos, like everyone who’s done their research would know with IVF, you lose more than half of your eggs and that sort of thing. the first few days, that’s just natural. But all about embryos with the PGS testing came back full top or very high quality. oh

11:29
knew there wasn’t an issue with our embryos. We knew now that there was an issue with Aaron’s sperm, which we could fix that with IVF. Especially when it got to the point of these last few, we were then, you know, directly with the injections from Aaron’s testicles, unfortunately, to get the freshest best sperm. But I was on the most, I got told all the time by the by the nurses, I was on the most complicated transfer cycles that they’ve ever done.

11:56
go through, think for the last three or four transfers, I would go through synthetic menopause. Yes, every time anyone who’s done that, it’s it’s worth it. Everything is worth it. I will tell you that right now to get your child at the end, I would do it all again.

12:10
end of the earth but it was very very hard to go through clinical menopause for a couple of months before every transfer. Really really difficult that would turn your cycle off and turn it back on and that was to get around my adenomyosis. Yes yes it’s funny because a very good surrogate friend of mine, Dani, she has adenomyosis and but she’s been a she’s got three kids herself and has been a surrogate once and potentially going again but so for some it can affect women in different ways can’t it? And the surrogate has it too they found it. yeah they found

12:40
that out through our original you know things and that really made me scared because they’re saying well she’s got the same issue as you.

12:48
think it’s going to work but she’s had three children and highly fertile. Yes it’s fascinating isn’t it and so yes that working out and clearly the fact that it worked first embryo transfer into your surrogate showed that the embryo quality was not the issue it was the environment that your body was providing for that which is it let you down there. So so many fertility specialists tell you stress and cortisol don’t affect you know if you’re stressed with your transfer that’s not going to affect it but I’m highly maybe not in the start at the start but I think I

13:18
after eight years of trying your mental health, you are at such a bad spot that I truly, truly believe my body with the cortisol going through my body was definitely impacting my inability to get pregnant for those last half a dozen transfers.

13:33
But also towards the end of it, we were on such a full on regime of all these chemicals and putting your into menopause that we also started to think, like, is it going to happen now because we’re doing so much stuff that you shouldn’t be doing. You’re creating such a masterclass of an environment. Yeah.

13:50
So we started to sort of wonder if it was going to work. Yeah, we did everything. We did biopsies as well that got, you know, of my lining that got sent to America and found out my body was a few days behind in in hormone production. So then we would even, you know, do implants two days later than recommended. We did everything you can think of. Yeah, even the ink dye up into your fallopian tubes, everything. We didn’t do a scratch because I didn’t have endo, but um I think that was pretty much the only thing we didn’t do.

14:20
That brings us to that next question then. Would you do anything differently or tell your past self or tell any women in similar situations going when to pause, when to stop or is it the type of thing that the desire and drive to be parents is you do you follow the doctor’s orders as best you can because that’s your hope. Yeah if I had followed my original fertility doctor you know we

14:43
We probably would have stopped trying on ourselves earlier than 14 transfers. We ended up getting, of course, onto the big executive director of the fertility because we were such a complicated case.

14:54
And he kept saying, you know, I don’t understand why this can’t work. I really think it can work. And he really kept our hope alive, which I think was a good thing. do remember seeing, saw, you know, therapists regularly. mental health was very bad. I do remember being told quite a few years before we did surrogacy that we may need to look at surrogacy or embryo donation. And I was not ready. To me, the thought of not carrying a child was the worst news.

15:23
absolute worst thing that could have happened. And you mentioned that to me and I would fall into a panic attack. That was as bad as not having a child in my eyes. And if I hadn’t have been through that, I wouldn’t feel the same as I do now. But I have a friend of a friend who’s going through this at the moment and having failed transfers. And there’s no way in the world I would tell her to push for surrogacy now because I know she cannot be there until she is there in her mind. Interesting.

15:51
Yes. Know that you’ve done everything possible in your body wise. But that also means if you’ve been told by a fertility specialist that you can’t do it and you should go and see someone, we weren’t told that until much later.

16:03
still thought that the fertility specialist is telling me there’s a chance. I believe there’s a chance. I had to get to that point of this of the fertility specialist telling me enough is enough. know, killing yourself mentally, you’re killing your body in a way. Which we did get to a point where our IVF clinic did say we need to have a break now. We need you to stop and we’re have a three month break, which was hell on earth for us thinking, you know, we’re running out of time, we’re running out of time. They said you need to have a break so that you can just sort of set

16:33
and calm down and back and have a look. And I think we did that. And then, yeah, when we went back into it all again and we kept going and going, trying all these things, yeah, we really had to be in the right place because we would have kept going forever. it wasn’t a money thing. If Saragastia didn’t open to us, up to us, I think we’d still be trying. I don’t know. Just for us, unfortunately, you know, a biological child was our need. And my urge to carry was so strong. Until that changed, all of us

17:03
sudden after 14 transfers, very bad mental health wise, turned up to hospital a few times with your, you know, your suicidal.

17:13
Ideation and things like that. was on a lot of medication. Aaron had developed situational depression. He’d never had depression in his life. We’d lost most of our friends. We hadn’t had contact with some of our family because of our mental health. My niece was to my brother, my brother’s daughter. She was three the day we met her for the first time, even though they lived up here with us. I couldn’t see her. couldn’t have any of that. So my mental health and Aaron’s mental health was at

17:43
an all-time low and I think it was lucky that the fertility specialist did say look you need to stop you need to look at surrogacy now.

17:51
in order to get my mind from okay, the most important thing in my head is to get pregnant. All of a sudden something switched. My body went through a sort of grief process and got real. I got really sick for quite a few weeks and I think that was my body grieving. And then all of a sudden my brain just went hang on the most important thing isn’t being pregnant. Most important thing is a child.

18:13
sudden, I don’t know how it happened, but it took eight years for me to switch and go, hang on, we just want that child. We don’t need nine months of pregnancy. Yes, that’s hard to lose. And yes, I still see pregnant women and you know, feel sad, but that’s nine months. This child is the rest of our life. Well said. You can’t tell anyone, yeah, to be ready for that. It’s something, you know, between you and your partner or you and your inner self and your fertility professional to say, look, this is when we need to stop. Yeah. And we would

18:43
I’d like to say, like, I’d love to say, I wish we started doing surrogacy 10 years ago, but- Or IVF, Yeah. But we didn’t think we were going to have this and it’s all part of the journey as well. And you really do have to be ready for it. Like I remember people mentioning it and it infuriated us or made us angry when people mentioned it. Like, you serious? Why would you say that? Yeah. now it’s like the amount of people we talked to that-

19:05
daily about it and tell everybody how it feels. Everyone knows our story and we’re so proud that we did Sauriasee and we tell everybody, even strangers, but you know, 10 years ago I couldn’t even get a Sauriasee. Well thank you for being brave and vulnerable and sharing with us the journey that you’ve been on and the depths of the dark that you’ve been to and I’ve been to some similar ones and we need to speak about it more because it’s a reality of it all. As you say, you have to climb out of that

19:35
yourself in some ways to be ready for it. So then ultimately that was your path.

19:41
How did your surrogate come to be in your life? Because as I said in the introduction, you had a friendship there for 20 years, but I was conscious as well of, wonder how many of your friends and family knew the detail and the enormity and the ins and outs of what you were going through. So did you then share in some ways with your friends and family that surrogacy is your path and your surrogate then had been thinking about it? Tell us a bit of that. We’re really, really lucky in that regard. So we’re up here in the NT where surrogacy was not

20:11
at all until 22. It’s true.

20:13
That was never even in our head because we knew we couldn’t do it unless we physically packed up and moved states due to the legislation. But our surrogate, we’ve known her since we were 18, I think. Aaron went to school with her husband and they got together not long after Aaron and I got together. And she’s been a very close friend and her one of her daughters who turns 18 on the weekend, she’s our goddaughter. So we’re a very close group and she’s been with me through the ins and outs.

20:43
and she had just mentioned, I think it was two times, you know, maybe a year apart, you know, once when I was crying and upset or something and she said, you know, I would do that for you or I would carry your baby for you. And this was before surrogacy was legal, before I was ready. And I actually sort of brushed it off because I think a lot of people, like you said earlier, a lot of people might mention it and it not be sincere. So I didn’t take it as something serious. I just thought that’s a lovely thing to say.

21:13
I I went there yet and that like it was early on so I think yeah you sort of brushed it off and then like oh yeah thank you yeah

21:19
No, you’re so lovely. Yeah. Yeah. So I think she’d said it twice, maybe three times. And then it wasn’t until it got more serious and it was 2021 that we were starting to sort of run out of hope. I was getting very sick with my body. You know, I was, I was always sick and run down and full of anxiety and stress. And surrogacy was starting to get momentum up here. And we knew what the lady who was really sort of pushing for surrogacy up here, Rebecca, we agreed to do an article because

21:49
to sort of push for it before it went to legislation. We did an article on that to sort of say come on guys you know come on government you need to prove this there’s people like us who who are looking at it one day.

22:01
And was it before, it must have been before that or just before that, a few months before that, we decided to formally ask our surrogate if she was serious. And that was the scariest part because we didn’t know if she was serious and what that really means. So I’d actually printed off all the information so she knew exactly what she was putting herself up. I didn’t want her to say yes and then remove it, the offer later. And as a teacher that was in a bonded folder with a cover and everything else.

22:29
You would appreciate that. was organized and she probably didn’t even open the folder. But it was there if she needed it. And we took them out for dinner and uh needed a bit of liquid courage to say, we’re formally asking, you know, we’ve got one or two more transfers left that we’re going to do with ourselves. But if it doesn’t work and if surrogacy gets legalized early next year, would you consider doing this? And they said, of course. I think they both laughed at us.

22:59
what this was for. We knew why you were taking us out to dinner but we didn’t know they’d discussed it together. They were so sure in themselves of offering it. We didn’t know that it wasn’t a big, it actually wasn’t a big deal for them. Yeah it really is like dating isn’t it? um Well I’m really conscious of that but I think it was needed that we needed to do a lot of that backstory and because there’ll be many people listening tonight and to these recordings that will

23:28
alike in themselves, you know, go, wow, your journey is similar to mine in so many ways. I guess then usually we spend a long time talking about the actual journey, but so we might just do a bit more of a snapshot of the actual surrogacy journey in terms of then you’ve had the offer, you do a bit more dating, you have to do the counseling and legals and then the pregnancy. Is there anything I guess that you’d like to mention or that was significant either in that lead up to the pregnancy or anything particularly challenging or

23:56
that you’re proud of the pregnancy journey, what springs to mind? I guess our biggest concern going into the surrogacy was our friendship, the quality of our friendship and affecting that. We had really good counselling, everything went smoothly. So from the moment it got approved, made legalised in the NT, we had already started things. We did the legal counselling, all of that was about six months. And then we did the transfer, worked immediately. So all of those other things we had worried about didn’t eventuate. uh Really important to have those

24:26
conversations though, ask those difficult questions. And if there’s red flags between your values and your surrogate’s values, honestly, you need to work that out or not move ahead if you’re not on same page with those difficult things. The pregnancy was so much more smoother than I thought it would be. Both myself and my surrogate were privately terrified of the moment she would start showing. Okay, yes. I that with each other. And the moment I saw her at 12 weeks or 13 weeks already showing, I was beyond over

24:56
because my baby was this far away from me, you know? it was the most magical thing to see that baby growing and all my fears went out the window. It was just that lack of control that you have as an intended mother through your friend or your surrogate that you have already decided you trust them to get your child. You need to keep that trust. You need to talk to your therapist through those things if they come up and that lack of control you have because your job as an intended

25:26
and parent is to support your surrogate. Your support to each other is in the background. You don’t share that with your surrogate. You are there for your surrogate and it was.

25:36
The birth honestly was, we’re just so lucky that everything went smoothly and the birth was perfect. I got to pull my daughter out. Wow. And deliver her and it was just the most magical experience and every time bonding, big issue for me. was so nervous. No, not a It’s not a problem, isn’t it? Doesn’t matter if it’s your biological child or not. You, that is your child. You spent nine months getting ready to be that child’s parent and it’s within a few weeks. Like, you know, even if you have some, some bad

26:06
times. It’s so easy on with that baby. Tell your surrogate how much you know they did for you but don’t, I can’t think of the word, you have to hold yourself back from giving them the world. Yeah well as we often say we want IPs to under promise and over deliver. Yes, yes but also don’t um like she knows how much I love her and I’ll send her

26:28
you know, very emotional texts every now and again. I’ll say, don’t need to reply in that because that’s just, you know, me making sure you know what you’ve done for us. And she knows, she knows. I think as a surrogate, like I’m five years post-birth, occasionally getting those, it’s about sitting here, enjoying my child and thinking, so grateful. Thank you for your part, you know, in making it happen. That is the gift that surrogates do it for. It’s a little bit of thanks that you were thinking of us. It’s not $50,000. And it’s the ongoing.

26:58
connection that we have as friends and watching you be parents we get joy out of that. Yes and I’ve caught them watching us especially when she was younger. I’ve caught her and her partner watching us just the way they were watching us interact with our daughter and I can see how much they get from that and that’s why they did it and honestly sending those messages to her I think just really concretes to her what she’s done for us.

27:22
Even if we don’t see each other for a couple of weeks or you know, a month or so because we’re all so busy, we catch up. It’s like no time has passed and

27:31
That’s great. connection forever. Beautiful. So the friendship is intact and just the couple of photos that we’ve shared because we’re being a bit private for your surrogate sake. So we’ve got some beautiful photos. You did a maternity shoot here together. Lots of hands on the belly here. Yes. And that was absolutely beautiful. So glad we did maternity photo shoot. Do it. Do it. If you can do birthing photos as well. We just had our own camera. No photos down below as agreement. But birthing photos are great because when your surrogate is

28:01
aware again and the pregnancies all over she has those photos to remember the process. Yep 100 % that’s what we say because surrogates are out of it during birth and focused on other things we want to look back at that yet well said. And even as an intended parent you don’t remember the birth so those photos go back in videos are so amazing to relive. Yes. Your children when they get older they’re going to see these pictures that this family you’ve created about how important they are to you. Absolutely and then your little girl Charlotte’s a photo of you with her and your

28:31
arms and you’re a mum hey? Yeah and it’s it’s amazing it’s really good and I think going through surrogacy, infertility all of that you know you have your bad days with your child and that stress but you never take them for granted. Yep well said. Well

28:46
We could keep talking for hours. could just thousands of questions I could keep asking. Something that you’re passionate about is growing the community in the Northern Territory. And so there’s a few of you up there. I know there’s Pete and Lisa and that’s something you’re really passionate about. Yes. So it’s a very small community up here. A lot of people aren’t even aware of the legislation because it’s so new. So we run a page called Surrogacy Northern Territory or Northern Territory Surrogacy. And we’ve slowly been building it, but wanting to increase

29:16
the network up here because we still have a number of IPs and tenant parents up here who are yet to find a surrogate and being able to help the community become aware that this is something that’s legal, is something that’s actually quite easy at the end of the day and this is something that changes your life forever.

29:35
absolutely changes your life and it’s beautiful thing. And that’s something I’m really passionate about through the work we do in Surrogacy Australia and the social media that I run and podcasts. It’s about raising awareness in the hope that more women might step forward and consider being surrogates and go, oh wow, there’s these other women out there who are being surrogates. Hey, actually, yeah, I quite enjoy being pregnant and giving birth. I think I’d like to do that again. And that sense of helping somebody in an enormous way. You speak to my vision as well in terms of raising that awareness so that more people can do surrogacy here in Australia.

30:05
of the clinics are getting on board with it up here in the NT, the clinic now is on board with it, it’s becoming much less taboo. And tell people your story, tell everyone your story. At my school, I’m a primary school teacher, all of the students know my story. They see my tattoo of my surrogate and I say, that’s my friend who carried my daughter, they’ve all met my daughter. It’s not taboo the more you talk about it.

30:27
and you never know who’s gonna hear your story through a friend of a friend of a friend and suddenly you may have an offer or find someone so important in your life. Yes and I believe in that ripple effect too that because if you’re not telling your story and giving it a chance to ripple out then you will never benefit from those ripples or even somebody else benefit from the ripples that you’re creating. Yeah so well done for

30:50
all of that beautiful advocacy. think the biggest issue is focus on therapy for yourself as the intended parents. My surrogate had an easy, fairly easy time through the pregnancy or she tried not to share, I guess, the really bad parts. Just it was fairly smooth sailing. But don’t put your fears onto your surrogate because they carry their own fears of letting you down. The only thing your surrogate wants is to give you a child. They do not want to keep it. And the only thing you want is your child, but also your surrogate to be safe and healthy.

31:20
So keep that at the forefront of your mind, keep that communication and honesty open. And your job as the intended parent is to be there for your surrogate and let them know just how much they’ve changed your life because that’s why they’re doing it. They want to change your life. Yes. They’re the most amazing people in the world to put their body on the line, to change someone else’s life. And in your case, you know, to change a stranger’s life. Like it’s just the most beautiful present you can ever get. It’s the gift of life, right? It’s pretty big.

31:47
Yeah. It doesn’t get much bigger than that. As somebody, I’ve been in this community for nine years now, can I say, meeting somebody like you and chatting to you, the way you speak about surrogacy is of all of the elders of the community that I’ve witnessed over the years. You speak their message. You are saying the similar phrases that all of the wise ones that I’ve witnessed in my time speak of. And it is just such a beautiful.

32:10
you have done surrogacy so well. should be so proud. You have a gold standard here of how surrogacy could be during it and you’re talking about your own fears and counselling and the support for your surrogate and then you’re living it. You are continuing the friendship and and so that your daughter grows up knowing I grew in her tummy and then that’s absolutely okay. It’s just another way to have a family isn’t it? People know everything and everyone around us will know everything and the more you talk about things the less taboo they become and why is this

32:40
any different to any other type of family that’s created. um It’s just love. Exactly right. It takes love to make a family. Well I think we might sum it up there then. Well done. What a fantastic webinar and I think yeah there’s so many gems in there, particularly about the journey that you’ve been on to get here and I think you’ll resonate with a lot of people but then also even if it’s two guys listening it’s also that

33:03
the journey and understanding that the surrogate might have some medical issues as well and in terms of how to navigate your fears about how she’s managing her pregnancy and all of that juggle. yeah. And ultimately choosing a surrogate you know who you can trust will manage their pregnancy and their body in the best way they know because you don’t have control over that you only have control over yourself. So true right and that it’s very hard for us all to let go of control.

33:27
As long as your values align at the start when you’re at surrogate dating, make sure all of those difficult questions are talked about fair. Don’t agree with somebody else just to get a surrogate. Just be yourself and find the surrogate who matches you. Thank you for listening to this episode. To see the beautiful images mentioned, head to our YouTube channel to watch the webinar recording. If you’re looking for more support and potentially connecting with a surrogate or intended parents,

33:54
head to our website, surrogacyaustralia.org to check out the resources and to learn more about SASS. Please subscribe to this podcast if you found it valuable and share it with someone so they too can benefit from this conversation. Until next time, welcome to the village.