Episode 130 – How do you decide which sperm to use?

00:06
How do you decide which sperm to use? We hear from three dads through surrogacy today, all who are part of a same-sex male couple. From Aaron, we decided we would use Jake’s sperm first, as he was the most likely of his siblings to add to his side of the family. We were happy to use my sperm if or when we have a second child, as most of my siblings, four out of five, have all had multiple children, so the family is big already. From Josh and Jack,

00:35
We have chosen not to tell people whose sperm we used as we want Ari to be the first person to know when she is old enough to understand. From another dad, we just decided to split it, the egg collection, 50-50. And if we got an odd number, I would get the extra number as I’m older. And we had two egg collections and ended up with three embryos each. So in the end, it didn’t matter. If you’re a same-sex male couple listening to this, do you resonate with some of the answers here?

01:03
Or do you have a different answer? In our monthly Zoom catch-up sessions run through surrogacy Australia and hosted by community members, this topic gets discussed from time to time. When there are IPs, intended parents, who are now parents through surrogacy, they often tell stories of when strangers stop them in the shops when they see two dads with a pram. Sometimes the comments are supportive and positive. Other times they’re naive and even hurtful. I guess society still has a long way to go.

01:32
Sometimes they will be asked questions like, who is the real dad? Or who is the main dad? When I had my Surrobub, Baker, in September 2020 for two dads, Brendan and Matt, my kids were four and six. When they asked, who is the main dad? What they actually meant was, which dad is staying home with Baker while he’s a baby? And in that case, it was Brendan. Initially, Brendan wanted to be the biological dad as well, but it didn’t work out that way.

02:00
The first egg collection with their egg donor only resulted in two embryos with Brendan’s sperm and I didn’t get pregnant from those. For the second egg collection, they split the cycle, meaning half the eggs got Brendan’s sperm and half got Matt’s. The strongest embryo to make it to day five was one of Matt’s. So we left the decision with Brendan about which embryo to try first. After some soul searching for him,

02:24
He decided that his child would know he was dad and it didn’t matter if he was biologically connected or not. Genetics do not make a parent. So that was the right decision for our team and that embryo transfer worked. That being said, it’s important for the male couples to discuss if one actually does have a strong desire to be the genetic parent. It’s absolutely okay if one has that desire more than the other. And it’s important that you discuss this as a couple.

02:52
and perhaps even have some counselling before you start this journey. I hope this episode provides some useful insights from other dads and ideas for discussion. If you are enjoying this podcast, I kindly ask that you share it with others or leave a rating or a review wherever you listen to the show. If you’re looking for more support from me, one-on-one, register for SASS, Surrogacy Australia’s support service, at surrogacyaustralia.org. And think of me as your Siri for surrogacy.

03:20
or as some community members are calling me, the Chat GPT for surrogacy. Until next time, welcome to the village.