Episode 140 – Ideas for IPs (Intended Parents) in waiting

00:00
you

00:06
This series of episodes springs from my work with SASS, Surrogacy Australia’s support service. When intended parents, IPs, have completed their profile and are in the pool of IPs waiting to connect with a surrogate, I do monthly check-ins to make sure they’re still active and waiting. I like to give some guidance and support along the way because the waiting game can be hard. This series of episodes is designed as though they are a letter to the waiting IPs. I’ll add to the show notes some of the links I’ve mentioned.

00:35
including my post about how to find a surrogate 101 and a presentation I gave at the Growing Families Conference about how do you find a surrogate in Australia, as well as resources from psychologists Narelle Dickinson in Brisbane with Lotus Health Psychology and Katrina Hale in Sydney. It has been about nine months now since you completed all the parts of the application form, your profiles and met with your mentor. Nine months, hey? That’s long enough to grow a baby.

01:03
It’s not easy managing our energy on any project for such a long period of time, especially one such as surrogacy, before you have connected with a surrogate. Something I am very passionate about is finding ways to empower IPs at this stage of your surrogacy journey when so much must seem beyond your control. If you’re a member of one of the Facebook groups, Australian Surrogacy and Donation, you may have read one of my posts titled, How to Find a Surrogate 101.

01:32
Don’t find us, we’ll find you. It can be also read on our website if you’re not a Facebook user. I also give a presentation at a growing families conference on the same topic. I cringe at the bluntness of how that is worded sometimes. However, there is an element of truth to it. For IPs trying to find a surrogate, so much can seem beyond your control. You’ve joined SAS, which was within your control. So what else can you do to try and have a surrogate find you and regain some sense of control?

02:01
I’m also very passionate about ideas that are not necessarily connected to social media and Facebook groups. I’ll share my thoughts on this topic. How to gain some control over finding a surrogate? It’s an investment of time. Although it might feel as though this time investment is not leading anywhere, it will. And on that you have to trust me as someone, and as a surrogate, who has been in the Australian surrogacy community since September 2016. Those who invest time in a genuine way

02:31
do find their surrogate in the long run. But what does this time investment look like? A disclaimer here that you might already be doing all of the things I suggest, in which case, use it as more of a checklist to confirm that what you’re doing is on track. Firstly, it is about you investing time into surrogacy research. This can be done in the comfort of your own home or while traveling to work while listening to podcasts.

02:54
I encourage you to take this advice and not to say, I’ll wait until I’ve met a surrogate before I start listening to the podcast or reading blog articles. Once you connect with a surrogate, you will be investing so much time into building that friendship that you’ll have less time for other surrogacy pursuits or research. For my own surrogacy team, while in the surrogacy dating phase, we would aim to have monthly date nights where we got together to chat about surrogacy.

03:22
There were many other catch-ups in between where we were just building a friendship and Matt and Brendan were getting to know our children. At these monthly date nights, we would discuss our thoughts on different aspects of surrogacy and what support might look like for our team during pregnancy. Okay, so you haven’t connected with a surrogate yet, but you could still be implementing these monthly date nights together to talk about surrogacy. What topics would you talk about, I hear you ask. Let me share some links and suggestions.

03:49
Listening to these education episodes from my podcast series is a great start. There are also some psychologists who specialize in surrogacy and their websites have information and posts about surrogacy. Narelle Dickinson in Brisbane with Lotus Health and Psychology has a page about surrogacy counseling and the issues that arise. Katrina Hale in Sydney has a page of resources on her website including a suggested agenda for surrogacy meetings.

04:16
and a guide for intended parents to support your surrogate emotionally at all stages. As a couple or with a support person, assign yourself some homework to each listen to some podcast episodes and then make time to discuss how you feel about the topics raised. My second suggestion for investing time is to attend a local catch-up. But now that you’ve been around the surrogacy community for over nine months, I want to set you a challenge. I suggest you consider hosting a catch-up.

04:45
Hosting a catch-up might seem very scary at first, but let me make some suggestions. Hopefully over these nine months, you’ve attended at least one catch-up organized by someone else, so you’ll know that everyone in the community is lovely, you included. There will be other people in the community who are newer than you, and you actually have some insights that you can offer those at the very beginning of their journey as they learn about surrogacy in your state. Don’t underestimate the knowledge that you have gained about surrogacy.

05:14
and how you can pay that forward to other new IPs. I feel that this is one thing you can do to feel in control of your journey and feel as though you are contributing to the narrative of surrogacy in Australia. So how do you organise your own catch-up? A few ideas. Keep it small. If you’ve made friends with one other set of IPs or perhaps an experienced surrogate, ask them to join you at this catch-up so you know that there will be at least four people present in case nobody else comes.

05:43
decide on a date and time and venue that works for you. Think casual, perhaps mid-morning or afternoon for a coffee so it’s not a meal, or maybe a park playground venue for those who have children. Once you have a link for this event, and if you’re part of ASD, the Facebook group, you could share and promote the catch-up there. You are not stepping on toes by organizing a catch-up. I chat with those who traditionally organize events in each state, and they encourage others to organize events.

06:12
For example, the Melbourne dinners are now quite a regular feature. However, they would love to see more casual catch-ups in between these dinner events. We need more volunteers, potentially like yourselves, to help us promote surrogacy in Australia. In an email discussion with Katrina Hale about surrogacy community catch-ups, her current line of advice to IPs is, don’t go there to find a surrogate. Go there to learn and hope a surrogate finds you. Even if your catch-up is not attended by surrogates,

06:42
You are developing a community of IPs and you might be able to support each other when your journeys do kick off with a surrogate. Be sure to take a photo of you all at this catch up and share it with me if you’re comfortable with that so we can help to promote surrogacy within Australia. It can also show that you’re invested into the surrogacy community in a genuine way and I hope that you might feel empowered by organising this catch up. And as always, if you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask.

07:11
If you also happen to be chatting with a surrogate and you feel comfortable telling me that, I would love to know. If you’re all SASS members, you are of course most welcome to continue with SAS. If the surrogate is not yet a SASS member, I’m happy to help if I can by sharing information for you to pass on to her or arranging for her to have a chat with me or another experienced surrogate or mentor. If you’re looking for more guidance on how to navigate surrogacy in Australia, please check out SASS, Surrogacy Australia’s support service,

07:39
so you can have me as your navigation tool on this journey. If you are finding these discussions useful, I would love it if you could leave a review wherever you listen to this show and you can find more information at surrogacyaustralia.org. Until next time, welcome to the village.